Sparrowman’s Perch

After such a great day yesterday, comes a day of gloom and horror. We’ve had rain most of the day and with that, overcast conditions that resemble twilight hours than any normal daylight. Worse than that though, was in viewing my news websites at work of the events that occurred today at Virginia Tech.

I am friends with someone who is a proud alumnus of VT. I think he left work early today.

My venting or "steam release" deals with people who need to make jokes about situations whilst they continue to develop.  Someone at lunch today had to make a comment saying, “Oh, it was probably that [certain disgraced VT football player] who came back to shoot people…” I’m glad my aforementioned friend wasn’t at the table. I’ve seen him pretty much verbally gut a person who made a snide remark about VT in regards to that player. Bad eggs can be found at any university and in any football program. I’m not familiar with any of that stuff. I just know that when there are 31 people dead with just as many injured and no one knows why, it is not a time to joke or make ludicrous references. If my friend would have been there, I know I would have seen a punch in the mouth.

Besides football, VT and WVU have some relationships. Both have strong engineering schools. Many West Virginians will either go to WVU or to VT. Chances are strong for me that I know someone who may know someone involved in the tragedy. Concerning that jokester, I wish people would be more considerate, especially when things are so fresh.

My secondary venting has to do with my current view of humanity. I do not view it positively. I spent part of the weekend reading about the annual Holocaust Remembrance Day which was Sunday. Reading personal stories from the holocaust survivors is heart-wrenching. We like to say “never again” but we’ve had other episodes of genocide: the Pol-Pot Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia, Bosnia just a few years ago, also Rwanda, and of course the unfortunately forgotten current situation in Darfur/Sudan.

Despite all of our technology and education, we sure know how to cruelly torture and kill each other. It seems like places of education in the past few years have fallen victim to certain people’s desire to destroy life. Schools.  There were the little Amish children; a shooting at my own school, Duquesne  University, last year; the usage of schools in Rwanda to kill entire groups and tribes; and of course, there’s one word—Columbine.

I’ve always taken education seriously. Schools were places where I, and hopefully others, could learn to better oneself, discover things outside of our environments; yet feel somewhat safe in that exploration. Even though some of my school experiences were sometimes nasty; generally, I do feel fortunate that I was able to excel despite my original environmental limitations.

I hate the fact that I sit in a nice office all day while there is so much pain in the world—and unfortunately, one doesn’t have to look too far. I feel useless and I want and need to do “something”. Very conversely, I feel that I do not want to deal with anyone at all in general since most people seem innately selfish and will "do you in" one way or another: I’m holding my ground—stay away from me. Then there’re times in which “I don’t care that I don’t care”, and I don’t like this attitude that I’m finding more re-occurant within.

I still have some things to keep me in check. Christian spirituality tells me that I must be involved and involving even though I don’t want to be. Psychology informs me that things happen in the mind/brain/emotion/cognition—some conditions can be understood and rectified—and therefore I need to perhaps try to understand someone’s possible mental journey.

The cognitive psychology people (as well as some existential phenomenologists) say how our attitudes form us. Man, I would like to have just a few grains of John Paul II’s attitude. Almost right after his election, I’ll never forget hearing him telling his fellow Poles still in Communist rule to “be not afraid….” He lived through two oppressive regimes, he knew the kind of life, the situation that they lived and live. He knew how to “witness to hope”.  I just at least want to “dare to hope”.

But to me this is useless while I sit behind a desk in a nice office. Words are nice to say but they must be matched with action. And my impotence of being is currently corpulent and soggy. (Like, what else can it be in that state?) Just what can I, or any average Joe, do? Or course a good existentialist would add, “and where is your world so to act?”

Time to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and go sit behind a desk.  Some tonight will not have any sound sleep.

I don’t know why I dwell on this subject so much these days.  Today, I’m trying to overload an answer to both philosophical understanding and to personal identity.  One notion of term, definition and meaning came into play within the past few days as I listen to various factions discuss things in the media.  This one is anti this or pro that—anti or pro depending on who is doing the talking.  Then there are the names that people use for other people when folks need to generalize the other or even vilify another so to make a point.  “They are mother-killers” or something similar.  Society today seems bent on polarization and polemics run amuck in the public square in which folks just want their voice segment for their 15 minutes of fame.  True dialogue is dead.  

One item of dialogue that I learned was to eliminate pejorative or condescending terms so to encourage the dialogue.  So the discussion that begins with  “you baby-killers obviously hate children…,” gets changed to “you are obviously strong about your pro-choice position…”  for instance.

Somewhere in all of this kind of thought within the past week or so an ancient personal memory fell off the shelf in some cob-webbed brain cavity.  I’m not sure of the exact occasion of the original event but I do think I was 5 or 6 at the time when it occurred.  I came home from school one day and asked, “Mummy, what’s a nigger?”  She looked a bit shocked and basically told me that’s a bad word.  I added something like, “Well, I am one—that’s what [so-and-so] said.”   I can’t remember her exact response.  I’m sure she said that I wasn’t one but we didn’t talk about anything further.    Probably she did say something like, “We are all God’s children and He loves us all.”  I think that I wasn’t quite satisfied with that answer but that’s what I had to live with.  Those were very first lessons in identity.  Name/term, definition, identity/meaning.

Fortunately in those very young days I didn’t have too much of that to deal with.  I did get something like “why are you so dirty all of the time?”  from an occasional fellow student or a relative of similar age.  Of course when junior high hell began, everything was no-holds-barred.   Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you.  Yes they do and they can last forever–and sometimes I got all of those.  That memory with that word opened and filled my recent day like a broken jar of 30 year old mayonnaise.  It still stinks.

(I cringe and feel a need to slap something every time I hear the phrase from a towns-person answering a news reporter in the movie Mississippi Burning, “You know…, we take good care of our niggers down here.”   Such a perfect application of a pejorative with a possessive!) 

Anyway, I never could get used to political correctness.  This is only because once I got it down exactly what was correct then the politics would change so whatever was correct before, ain’t now.   Nonetheless, I have been big on trying to use terms for people of differing viewpoints that are used by the people of the differing viewpoints.   I hate names–those condescending ones especially.   

A name.  That kind of name.  A term with a definition.  What meaning does it give or do we give to it?  Whatever the it is.   However, that particular aforementioned term is filled with meaning for me, but not the same one that I learned while growing up.  The meaning now points to those who use it, their ignorance, their closed mindedness.  They have no desire for true dialogue.  

So what words do we choose when we discuss things that greatly differ from us—one’s beliefs, creeds, orientations, etc.?  Do we really wish to understand the other or are we satisfied that our terms suffice with our own presuppositions and prejudices?  Are we proud to cleverly construct even new terms and use them though they inadvertently insult the other?  

In all of the great and small debates I unfortunately give no carte blanche to any group to have immunity from such contrivances of hate terminology.  For I find this in liberal and so called progressive circles, in Christian enclaves, both blatantly and subtly even within academic institutions—places where “folks should know better”.   Polarization and xenophobia needn’t continue it’s runaway rate in our society.  It begins with each person in reflection of what things, names, descriptions can mean for the other.  But I only assume that poeple really want to dialogue in the first place. 

I cringe at trying to tackle this topic.  However the idea of meaning is a central theme to most philosophic discussion.  Personally, I’m really into this in general.  Definition and meaning help to keep me steady, keep me sane in some ways.  But, I don’t like people trying to define me.   Why?  Because I then become pigeonholed and possibly stereotyped.  I understand this is a need for some people to do this, though, especially for first impressions.  For example and hopefully, most will see that basically, I am a man.  How people define man can then color their perceptions of me without even knowing me.  For some then, because I’m a man, I am therefore, “sexist, unfeeling, a sports nut, a sperm donor, one who only thinks with a penis, self-centered, smelly, thinks of women only as objects, could care less about children”, and so forth.  Frankly, I don’t give it much thought—on being a man or male, that is.  For some things about being male I do fit the definition, other things have nothing to do with me as a person.

Then there’s the question, what does it mean to be a male?  Or what does it mean for me to be a male.  What is “male-ness”.  

I remember a class I had at Duquesne which was called Psychology of Identity and Fulfillment.  When I saw this course I made sure I was one of the first to sign for it.  I was looking for something more general and encompassing but I discovered that the class focused on sexual identity.   It was interesting in that it had case studies of those who were trans-gendered, cross-dressers, and homosexual.  (These are all different, BTW).  I could feel for those folks, especially the trans-gendered who could not feel as strongly as I to place an “X” on the male box when a form asked to pick your gender. 

Being bi- (probably “multi-“) racial, I have lived in a world in which demands hard and literal black and white definitions and I have, at times, was forced to “choose” a racial definition.  I so much wanted to choose but when I did, I was choosing “wrongly”.   I still can remember times in which someone who felt having more authority than me to question my choice and say, “Oh, you made a mistake…, this one is yours.”  Obviously, that person didn’t care as to the “why” for my choice or my resistance to make such an impromptu choice.

I’ve not gotten into this deep and thoroughly important issue for me on this blog—or much elsewhere for that matter.  Right now, though, I only wish to bring this up in terms of working through the ideas of definition and meaning and to point out that how in our efforts to define things, we can error if we’re not careful.  I may here at times sound even contradictory in that I do desire definition in my life so much so, that I go nuts when something, especially something very important to me, goes undefined.   I want to know whatever this and that is or where it fits, etc., etc. 

Much of this comes from a wish for my own personal definition.  What is me?  “I am such and such and…”   What does it mean to be me?  Add to this how I was trained in my academic disciplines.  Both theology and philosophy demand for a person to “define the terms” before entering any kind of debate or dialogue, or presenting any kind of paper.  My current discipline of computer science is filled with the need to define and sometimes equate terms and variables.  Var GetData = 3; 

And of course the computer program itself becomes a highly defined entity as well as the language of its creation.  Mess it up and the compiler and/or program and system puts out a resounding “Huhhh?!”  Define it!  Give me a definition!  Where does this fit in with other stuff.  I and the computer become one in this notion.

But, then there’s meaning.  Does definition necessarily give meaning?  Here’s where philosophy kicks in, especially the existentialists.   I’m going to try this example.

Term:  Ford F-150 

Definition:  A popular pick-up truck model. 

Meaning:  (many)   A reliable vehicle.  A device that’s sturdy enough to haul things.  Something of family tradition in that “my daddy had one and so did his”.  An extension of “manliness”.    A truck better than a Chevy.  (BTW, I drive an older model Ford Taurus.  Definition:  a four door sedan with a V-6 engine.  Meaning:  A very special gift from two very special friends.  It is a very necessary entity to get me to and from work and also gives me a sense of freedom.)

Then there can actually be other definitions:  A production unit of a major American corporation.  [It still is isn’t it?]  A utility vehicle.

I’m perhaps at a point in which I begin to error with “relativism”.  I’m only doing a think-out-load thing here at present.  I’m not sure where I want to go with this but I know I need to.

Look at any freshman philosophy text and you will find (or should find) discussions going back to the earliest times when people grappled and wrestled with “meaning”.  Life, existence, being—the ontological—are the hot topics here for sure, but semantics and ontology can get confused to be one and the same.  Our society can enforce this falsity. 
"So, who are you?" (or "What are you? or "What do you do?" –which many equate with what and/or who you are.)
"I am a professional dog butt wipper."
So does this definition give me meaning? Worse, does it say anything at all about my existence?  Is it necessarily the only definition or even morso, a definition?
"My life, is therefore worthless…"
Term, definition, meaning, existence. Throw in assumption and attitude, you then have a good mixture for existential (or even cognitive) psychology.  We can get these ideas confused, not matter how intelligent we may be, on levels not realized within our consciousness (or unconsciousness) and then we dare to build our identities or self-views on the error(s). 

Anyway, even to discuss this stuff I feel a need to give a definition and what I mean by definition and meaning.  What does it mean to, ah, “mean”?  Folks, this is exactly why philosophy is the first discipline for priests and for lawyers! 

But the question still is:  Does definition actually give meaning?  Can it?  Should it?  Also, what kind of definition are we talking about?  Does this tells us about the truth of something?  Then also, what is the true?  How do we know the truth or the true?

Then there are the what are called the epistemological questions of  “How do we really know things?”  What kind of knowledge is this—if there are kinds?  How do we know?   Ahhhhh!

[Brain is starting to smoke.  Must get a beer.  More later.]

Okay folks.  This heat is really getting to me and I’m trying to remain sane—well, as much as can be considered normal.  Too much is on my mind though.  I am at odds with sein und zeit these days and I am doing terribly as dasein.   Some of you may ask, “What the hell is he talking about?”  These, my friends, are the rudiments of existentialism al la Heidegger.  I miss this stuff and as I get older I now begin to appreciate what he and other existentialists have and had to say.  I mentioned in my previous post that I was having “time, space continuum problems”.  This is true in a daily sense in that I can really tick people off by being late or too early.  True, much can be said for lack of discipline here.  Something can be added in that I’m just not caring about much of anything these days (at least lately).  

Like a friend of mine who has a rather extensive blogsite, I wish to not dwell on negative things or allow this to be a means of lamentation.  Too many blogs exist in which people just complain or whine about “why I’m so lonely” or “life sucks” or “my girl(boy)friend doesn’t understand me” and so forth.  I let myself slide a bit yesterday.  However, I think I can get away with some actual philosophical ontological angst on occasion.

But I digress.  Sein und zeit, “being and time” is actually the name of Martin Heidegger’s major tome and represents his ontological understanding.   Dasein can be translated as “there-being” or as many will, “being-there”.  Very, very simply put, from Descartes, we have the cogito ergo sum, “I think; therefore, I am [exist]” or in other words, because I can think, cogitate, etc, I know that I exist or have existence.   The dasein takes it a bit further (and wonderfully I think) in that our existence is not in a void but can only be so in space/place and at a certain time—therefore, we don’t just have "being" but the “there-being”.   Also, I encounter and know things as I have a place in existence of which to view them—the sitz-im-leben or “setting of life” or “situation in life”.   (I’m using a rather open meaning here, not necessarily the form criticism/analysis sense.  More or less: "from where I find myself sitting in life" or my "life situation").

…Obviously from above, Heidegger and many of the existentialist guys are German.  They also use a good bit of those great compound (and hyphenated) German words which can be a good thing for philosophy!

So, personally and philosophically, I am having trouble with my dasein.  (Well.., go out and get a new one then!  I think I saw one on sale at Walmart earlier in the week.)  

Where in the hell do I actually sit in life anymore?  How did I get in my current state of being?  Do I have a place?  Do I want one?  One is there whether I like it or not.  However, as much as I think or feel that I fall into a void, my being (as well as anyone else) takes up space and time.  Existence.  I have this.  That is what we know; what I know.   And if there is no existence or being, then it is  “non-being”.

Many of you good diverse friends probably feel that, yes, he’s lost it and would say something like:  “Man, you need a good lay!” or  “You need to get back to the Lord.” or “You think too much–wanna go watch some baseball?” or “I’ve got some Jack you can have…” or “Say wha?”  

I miss those days of mine from Duquesne University.  It was there that I began to learn and embrace this stuff.  I had a double major in theology and psychology and a minor in philosophy and I did very well in all of those.  Our psychology there was a philosophically based one—that of existential phenomenology.  (The Skinner behaviorists can now roll their eyes in unison here).   Psychology had its origins in philosophy and Duquesne’s brand tries to get back to that fact.  Indeed, DU was one of only five existential phenomenological centers of the world.  (I think the Univ. of Leuven in Belgium is one of the others).

Anyhow, I feel that the issues of philosophy and psychology are very much in a crisis stage deep within.  They may have been for awhile.  I still appreciate what I have learned via cognitive (scientific, empirical) psychology both as a subject of study and as one who was a client.  It is the main crux of the “recovering” aspect of me being a “recovering melancholic”.   This crisis is likewise both philosophical and psychological for me.   I have and use the tools of cognitive psychology to continue on with daily life and to help me keep a certain perspective and more importantly, a healthy attitude based on true fact rather than on false assumptions.  (To know the difference is the key!)  The regimen of philosophic study and inquiry also help me in that maintenance.  Plus, that is just me.  

Again, I miss this kind of thinking and study and I desire and need to get back to it.  This blog, I hope, will allow me to do this.  I need to rediscover or redefine the dasein, my dasein.  I need to think.  I’m tired of trying to be someone or something that I’m not but moreso, I’m becoming someone and something that I don’t like.  I need to stop this.  And yet, even at my age, I am not sure exactly who I am or my place in this world.   Philosophy helps me in having that sitz-im-leben from where I can at least sit a spell and take a breather and see what exactly is around me.   Obviously, there is more to come on all of this.

 I do not intend to explain or teach philosophy here.  I do hope to explain my own take on things using philosophy, particularily that of existentialism–a rather general term.

By the way, does anyone have an extra copy of Martin Heidegger’s Being and Time lying around?  I think the last time I saw a copy, a professor of mine was using it to keep a door open.  Yes, he did use it as it was intended though, but it is big and heavy enough to keep a door from closing.    I probably should review some of my German while I’m at it.