Sparrowman’s Perch

I need to be thankful for my work or my job.  But which is it?  Both have different meanings for me.  (Here we go with the definition/meaning thing again.)  

I always pictured myself involved in a work, an opus.  This notion is different from a job.  For a work/opus is similar to a vocation, something that I can be, in a sense, married to and then be able to “reproduce” myself.  For instance, if I were an architect, my buildings would probably survive long after I was dead.  If I was some sort of  scientist/researcher, I could endeavor to come up with something that would be known as “the [Sparrowman] Procedure” which would aid in the discovery of  such-and-such.  Then there’s my original and actual goal:  to teach and research theology on a university/seminary level.  My “specialty” would have been the post-apostolic, pre-patristic period theology with an emphasis on pneumatological thought and activity.   This period was an era of great transition within the Church and is greatly under-studied and misunderstood by a majority of Christians today, especially in regards to the thought, teachings and activity of the Holy Spirit.   In fact, a good chunk of The DaVinci Code plays with the material of this period and I would have been one of the people that the news media would be currently interviewing.  “Dr. [Sparrowman], can you tell us about the Gnostic literature in relation to the development of the canon of scripture…” Actually, today’s news media would likely ask something similar to, “So, what about the secret relationship with Jesus and Mary Magdalene?”

That would have been my work, my life, my baby.  It doesn’t exist and it will never exist.  That’s that.

But, like everyone else, I have to provide for myself, so hence, I am therefore thankful for my job—something that I do that provides me a decent living.

Many of you know by now that I have a love/hate relationship with computer science or general information technology work.  I don’t feel that I’m great at it, but I do what needs to be done and can usually figure out how it needs to be done, but begrudgingly.  My current job pays decently—not the $40,000+ that everyone said I should make starting out.  

My place of employment helps me to like what I do or at least makes that kind of work and life a bit more bearable.  It’s research oriented and populated mostly by PhD geologists.  I don’t think I can work anywhere but within an academic-related institution.    The atmosphere is pretty much laid-back, casual.   The building itself is situated near a lake and is surrounded by woods (but with ever-encroaching development).   I have no real pressure and people are friendly.  I can’t really complain, so even though I do stuff that I really don’t want to do, I have to be thankful that I exist and work in an atmosphere which is generally pleasant.  (Some notion of applied dasein here.)

It bugs me that I have college-degreed friends and acquaintances who are working at Walmart or McDonalds for survival.  I am happy that I do have some friends who find fulfillment in what they do in their chosen profession.  All in all, for me, for what I have and where I am, I am thankful.

Sidenote:  Many factors exist and are coming into play that can greatly change all of the aforementioned.  My new boss just quit, they are talking about moving us to a converted warehouse somewhere else in the county, there may or may not be employment possibilities for me in another state, for instance.   

Since around March I have been in and out quite a bit.  I told someone the other day that I wish I could have a “normal” weekend again.  The last one of those that I had was in February.  Next weekend I’ll be out of town again.  I am sort of making up for lost time when I had no way to get around for about three months earlier this year. 

Two very good friends of mine fixed up one of their cars and gave it to me as a birthday and Christmas gift.  It rides nicely and outside of a couple of body panel adjustments needed, it is a solid car.  It replaced another car (the red one) that I had since 2000 and it, too, was given to me by a good friend from back home.

Again, I feel that I am blessed to have such good friends (previous d’akujem).  Here, I wish to express a thankfulness for having a decent vehicle to get around.  Actually, it is absolutely necessary for me to get to work. 

I miss living in Pittsburgh in which I could just take a bus to most of the places I needed to get to.    Being in West Virginia necessitates having a car and in some places, a four-wheel drive one is even more necessary.

Despite the gas prices, insurance, taxes and other various expenses, I like the freedom of having and being able to drive a reliable car. 

Health.  That’s usually the biggie in which folks give as an answer when asked "what are you thankful for the most?"  Those who are before a certain age usually go along the lines of "Oh, yeah, there’s that".  After a certain age, health is what is discussed the most.  Those my age and a bit older are a starting to be a bit more attentive to those in that certain after-age group. 

First of all, I do not wish to use these d’akujems as a means to say, "hey, look at me, I have this and I’m better than you…".  A few friends of mine do have some health problems–some worse than others.  We all have something that is "wrong" with us in one way or another.  That’s life; that’s Nature.  Some things unfortunately happen to us in that health is no longer the same as before.  

I am thankful for my health.  I can move about and function decently.  "I function within defined parameters" as Star Trek’s Mr. Data might say.  I do have a few things that could be considered as wrong.  I’m badly nearsighted like Velma on Scooby Doo.  I actually have to keep an eye on glaucoma possibilities (pun intended).  I need to have stuff like scuba gear attached to my face at night when I sleep since I tend to stop breathing periodically (i.e., sleep apnea).   Mentally, some may think that I’ve lost it years ago, but trust me, despite being a recovering melancholic, things could be worse.  They could be better though.

A good and very dear friend of mine, Barb F., died a few years ago.  I miss being a guinea pig for her when she experimented with a new dinner idea. We would watch Star Trek TNG reruns afterward and/or talk about our travels and experiences.  She was diabetic and was blind for a number of years as a result of that condition.  I know she missed her vision and the ability to do things she used to do.  You’d never know that with her.  She was one of the most positive, vivacious, social, engaging persons that I’ve ever met.  Her faith was strong and I felt that mine got stronger just by even being with her.   She lived a life of gratefulness and grace.  I wish I had at least half of what she had in terms of her outlook.   Again, the cognitive psychologists say that so much is in the attitude—in how we look at things that influence how we act and/or see ourselves.  (The existential phenomenological psychologists say similarly, BTW). 

Again, I digress a bit.  For what I have, I am very thankful for my current health and I’ll leave it at that. 

(Barb F., I still and really miss you.  I wish you were here.  But, you are, I believe, with family and friends who have gone before you and are among the Communion of Saints.  You can now see and sing those great Episcopal and Anglican hymns you loved here.  But you now have the Beatific vision, which of course, is the ultimate vision.  Requiest in pacem. L )

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Side note:  As much as I’d like to, I don’t think I can come up with decent d’akujems on a daily basis.  I will aim for weekly but I may do more.  I just don’t want to end up saying stuff like, "I’m thankful for the butterfly that flutters past my ear in the afternoon sun…"  If I start saying such things, first wonder what I’m on and then second, you can just shoot me. 

Ďakujem – It is Slovak for “Thank you.”  Perhaps I should use vd’ačnost which means gratefulness or gratitude.  Vdacny is also a good choice as it means thankful or grateful.  Why Slovak?  It is actually a part of me that I unfortunately do not acknowledge much these days.  I miss some of the traditions from back home that involved Slovak culture.  It is a string from a spider web that holds me to something solid, something from my past.   Life and time take me farther away from “home-ness” (as an existentialist might put it).     

Why a category for “thank you”?  I need to do this and to do it on a daily basis—to be thankful.  Many of you know that I am a “recovering melancholic”.   I do not in any way wish to demean any who are actual recovering alcoholics or to diminish the intensity of those who struggle with that particular addiction.   Depression is something like alcoholism though. 

Cognitive psychology shows us that in many ways “we are what we think”—a kind of paraphrase of Descartes cogito ergo sum, “I think, therefore, I am.”  Those of us who are recovering melancholics must daily be vigilant in realizing how we can develop certain attitudes concerning ourselves can lead to myriads of negative thoughts.  Hence, we then look at ourselves in the mirror like some mutant version of the Saturday Night Live character of Stuart Smalley and say, “I’m not good enough; I’m not smart enough, and dog-gone it; therefore, everyone hates me….”  

I like saying that I’m a melancholic since it has romantic or colorful connotations.  Picture a bohemian artist-type sitting in a pub along the Seine, drinking cognac, holding his head, staring out the window and periodic scribbling something on paper something that could be the world’s next big novel or a plan for a mural or some other incipient opus magnus.   “Depression” connotes that something is “wrong”, it is clinical, it yells for some sort of pill to correct a disease.  I, like anyone else who has come to accept this condition, realize that, yes, this is not a good thing, but I can still, nevertheless, be productive and still somehow creatively provide something positive to both myself and to society.   Lincoln, Dickens, Churchill, and Beethoven are the most notable folks who I admire who were melancholic.  

However I digress a bit here.  It is because of the above that I daily must find something to be thankful for and to.  It helps with keeping negative attitudes in check.  Secondly, I am a Christian and I am reminded in the New Testament that “in everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thes. 5:18). (Notice the preposition “in” and not “for” here).  Other places in the New Testament echo this notion.   My faith (“faith” which is the “assurance of things hoped for” –Heb 11:1) has kept me strong and fixed in times when I become my own worst enemy.  Many of you know that I am a literal conglomeration of two of the most downtrodden peoples of the world, Slovaks and Blacks.  I’m sure there is some Jewish in there somewhere, seriously.  Those folks survived and persevered through the centuries due to faith.  I must do so as well.  It is a big string on that aforementioned spider web for me.  I remain strong and secure despite myself.

So, I must express my thanks, my d’akujem, to the Transcendent who I still feel I can call “Daddy”.  I must acknowledge the fact that I do have good things in life.  That life is worth living.  This expression needs to be done, daily.  I need to cogitate this fact, daily.  Cogito ergo sum.

Therefore, here below is my first d’akujem for this blog.

I am indeed so extraordinarily very thankful for people who love and like me for who I am, who challenge me, who put up with me, who think of me enough even to give me automobiles (three of you), who give me chances, who have helped me financially, emotionally and vocationally or who were just there to listen to my melancholic laments.  Some of you were present in the past and not much now, some now and not much in the past, some now and then, but definitely were present.   You have helped form and mold me, made me feel welcomed and accepted.  Chances are if you are reading this, you are one of those folks.   My friends are a very diverse sort: political liberals and conservatives, agnostics and devote Christians, scientific and theological thinkers, hard workers, creatives, old and young, among others.  

The words of Sirach (an Old Testament book considered apocryphal in Protestant circles) sums up my feelings.
“  A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure.
   A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth.
   A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds.”

Ďakujem to the Transcendent who is dear.  Ďakujem to you, too, who is and are dear.

I need to be thankful for something every day.
 
–your friendly neighborhood Sparrowman.