Sparrowman’s Perch

I never thought that I’d do what I did.  In fact, I swear that anyone who did such a thing was crazy.  What in the world could this action be?  To me, it is a gross participation in a mutant abhorrent form of capitalism, in that in and of itself, is a mere symptom of where society is going these days.  It’s going to the dogs and even the dogs know better!

What did I do?  I got up extremely early on the Friday after Thanksgiving (now, commonly called “black Friday”) and went shopping for bargains.

Just watch the TV news anywhere in this country around black Friday and you’ll see hordes of people simply going nuts in places of mega-commerce.  I think that even Scottish soccer hooligans cower and hide just at the thought of transgressing the paths of middle-aged women who are everso determined to get that oh-so-perfect gift for the child or other loved one of their lives.

En route to my destination, I stopped to get gas.  Folks at the gas station were discussing how idiotic this day had become and that “no one in his right mind would go near a mall or store on this day”.  Someone mentioned a news story that police and K9 dogs had to be brought in to a local Walmart around 4 am due to erupting fist fights.   I remained quiet and paid for my gas.  Besides, at this time of day my forms of communication consists of “uh”, “uh ha”, and “ug”.  Standard  male communicative expression usually hits in around 10:00 am:  “coffee…, more”, “morn’in”, and “yeah”.  It doesn’t matter what the question was to the last one:
    “Could you do this such-and-such?”
    “Do you want to get together after work?”
    “Do you want to marry me?”
    “Were you involved in the Kennedy assassination?”
“Yeah.”

(Due to one of those morning “conversations”, to this day, I still have to pay off Ismet for that darn Indonesian thing of 1993.)

I eventually made it to the Circuit City near Century III Mall.  Darkness still covered the earth and everyone and his or her brother, sister, mother, cousin, accountant were out jockeying for parking places.  There were seas of SUVs and also of some of those other kind of vehicles that simply were known as “cars”.  Remember those?  I found a spot at the far end of a grocery store parking at the other end of the Circuit City plaza—which was roughly 16 miles away.  I placed my red flag marker on my car and used an expedition technique augmented from one of Sir Edmond Hillary’s journeys.  Yes, three base camps were needed between the car and Circuit City.

So what was this incredible bargain that I just couldn’t pass up?  Dudes!  Get this!  They had select DVD sets of some of my favorite TV shows on sale at dirt-cheap prices.
    The complete first and second seasons of Northern Exposure for $13.00 total.
    The complete first season of Monk for $13.00.
    The complete first season of House for $13.00.
    The complete first season of Arrested Development for $13.00
Also, they had select movies for sale.  I picked up a new copy of Total Recall for a whole $2.00.  I saw a ad the night before.  I knew that "I was there!".

Folks, I’ve been looking for Northern Exposure DVDs for a couple of years.  Usually when I did find them, prices were around $50.00 for one season.   

I got there just in time since only several copies of Northern Exposure were left.  House was already gone.  I only got Monk by apprehending an abandoned copy that was on a shelf of some appliances.   The store was only open for about an hour when I arrived.

Now came the next part—to find a cashier line and wait.  Several of these snaked their way throughout the store and they constricted the flow of new bargain predators and scavengers who continued to pour in.  I was now one with the snake, but not for long.

There was this one woman in front of me who had a habit of swaying back and forth as she remained in queue.  But it wasn’t just swaying, it was such a nervous rocking that I was starting to get sea sick.  (And I’ve been on boats—I don’t get sea sick).

I decided that I wasn’t going to stand behind Ms. Pendulum for the next half-hour or so.  I broke away and found another snake tail to join.  Looking back at my previous queue, she still stood rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  I liked my new snake.

Yes, it did take a least a half-hour until I reached the actual cash register.  I made my purchase and got out of the place as soon as I could.  It was light outside now.  I had forgotten how far away that I had parked my car.  (Fortunately, I still had my base camps though; however, one woman was buying one–thinking it was a good bargain, I guess).

I survived!  But that was only one purchase-event; one store.  I was already devising football style plans for “another time”.  I need to get at least a couple of other large guys.  Wow, consider it now:  
    Bubba, using his immense largeness, will take my right flank.  He will slow down my competition, thus, diverting them down aisle 5 –that will take them farther away from the neat, nifty electronic gadgets section on aisle 11 (ie., “goal zone”).  Bruce, “the Bus”, can hold off folks on the left for a couple of seconds.  I then can cut down the middle for a direct shot….

Sounds good, but I need to call Coach Cowher of the Steelers to work out some further strategies.  So, do you think I’m going to do this again?